Let’s be real—most relationships don’t fall apart because of one big blow-up. It’s usually the small misfires that quietly chip away at connection.
The misunderstood tone.
The half-heard comment.
The silent thought: “Why are we even talking if we’re not hearing each other?”
In my years walking with couples, coaching leaders, and navigating humbling conversations in my own marriage, I’ve learned something simple but powerful:
Communication isn’t just about what you say—it’s about what the other person experiences.
And often, that experience is shaped by what I call The 5 D’s.
These silent saboteurs show up in all kinds of relationships—marriage, friendship, ministry, parenting, leadership. They’re subtle. They feel normal. But they quietly work against the connection we’re trying to build.
Let’s break them down—and build something better.
1. Don’t Defend
Love doesn’t need to win—it needs to understand.
This used to be my specialty early in marriage. My spouse would bring up a concern, and I’d instantly shift into “let me explain myself” mode. I thought I was clarifying—I was actually shutting them out.
Defensiveness may protect your ego, but it destroys closeness.
Real connection begins when you listen first before you explain.
💬 Try this instead:
“That wasn’t what I meant, but I can see how it felt that way. Tell me more.”
2. Don’t Debate
You’re not opponents—you’re partners.
Debating is for courtrooms—not living rooms.
When you start keeping score in relationships, everyone loses.
Especially in marriage, you don’t need to out-argue your spouse. You need to out-love them—especially in conflict. Drop the gavel. Pick up curiosity.
💬 Say this instead:
“Can we talk about this like we’re on the same team?”
3. Don’t Dismiss
Feelings don’t have to make sense to be valid.
Dismissing sounds like:
→ “You’re too sensitive.”
→ “Why are you making this a big deal?”
→ “It’s not that serious.”
Dismissal doesn’t just silence the moment—it echoes.
People stop sharing when their emotions feel like they’re on trial.
💬 Try instead:
“Help me understand why this feels heavy for you.”
4. Don’t Disagree Prematurely
Let them finish. Let it sink in.
There’s a time for your side—but it’s not while the other person is still bleeding emotionally.
I used to jump in too quickly with logic—not realizing what my partner needed first was empathy.
Timing matters.
Let them feel seen before they hear your perspective.
💬 Say this:
“I want to hear everything before I weigh in. Keep going.”
5. Don’t Devalue
You can be right and still be wrong in how you say it.
Tone. Attitude. Body language. They all speak louder than your words.
Devaluing creeps in subtly—sarcasm, eye rolls, jokes at their expense.
But little jabs leave big bruises over time.
💬 Ask yourself:
“Am I speaking in a way that honors who they are—not just what they did?”
📌 Why This Matters
The 5 D’s aren’t just advice for when things get tense—they’re habits to practice when things are good. Why? Because healthy habits hold you together when life gets real.
I don’t just teach this stuff—I live it. I miss it sometimes, too. But I’ve seen firsthand the difference these shifts make in my own marriage, in the couples I mentor, and in the teams I coach.
🔑 Start here:
Which of these D’s sneaks into your conversations the most?
Choose one this week. Practice the better response.
Watch the connection grow.
Let’s build relationships that don’t just survive—but thrive.
I have a colleague in the office that always says..”allow me to land, the problem with you is you never allow me to land”. Thank you for this reminder!